In the last couple of years, I have been through a fiasco that I cannot fully explain. I cannot still comprehend the depth of that experience…so intense… so alive. It has brought out the best and the worst in me. I am surprised too, I didn’t know I could feel so much and more. I have been ignored, looked down upon, offended, angered…and also loved and cherished. Strangers became friends and vice versa; and amidst all of this, there are people who have loved me from the day one. All I know is that I am a different person. I don’t quite feel like me. People have gone beyond recognition, or maybe I have changed far too much. I don’t know and maybe never will. I have grown over the last two years…emotionally. I can say that because I left in peace. The story was over, the curtain was drawn; it was time to switch the story, new cast and perhaps a new theatre. And most importantly, I am okay with it.
Now when I have come to terms with all of this, I have this urge to mull over the last couple of years which seem to have done a lot of damage. I have been going through the WhatsApp chats, my personal diary and also emails everything I can get my hands on. I remember bits and pieces. It’s almost like out of the body experience…or a nightmare. It has brought out every emotion left in me.
And I am grateful for that… for pushing me to feel everything. I think that’s when you know it’s real when you fight for it. As someone once said, without my demons, I won’t have my angels. It has been one hell of a storm, a roller coaster ride… shipwrecked… I have wept for my ship and my crew for far too long. Now it’s time to start over…got to build something enduring amidst the seas… to rejuvenate, to retreat from the mad world, to replenish the hope within… this time I am going to build a lighthouse.